Wednesday, 11 June 2014

Seven ways not to get divorced during the World Cup.

This post is for anyone who, like me, has found themselves in a strictly one-football-fan family. 

Disclaimer: In no way may you sue me if you follow these steps and still get divorced. I am not the oracle. 
Make a genuine effort tomorrow for the opening ceremony. Get in some beer, buy some bunting, dress the kids up like idiots (if you don't have kids a dog will do). That way, for the rest of the event you will be able to retort 'What do you mean I don't care?! Don't you remember what I did for you on the opening night'? 
Yep...that's my baby...
Make brigadeiro (recipe to follow tomorrow). It is, essentially, incredible chocolate goo. Eat your feelings rather than bashing your other half over the head with them. 
Buy a vuvuzela. Who cares that you got the wrong year and the wrong world cup. You made an effort. 
When you are forced to sit through an entire match/ game/whatever it's called, fake a look of genuine interest by carefully rating each footballer based on their hair cut. 
3/10 for you...

When not with your football-fan partner, make every effort to avoid any talk of the beautiful game, so as to retain your sanity. 
A great antidote to having the Off-side rule patronisingly explained to you (someone once attempted to enlighten me on this with a chicken leg and some carrot sticks), is to plan your counter attack. What will you bore them with when it's all over? Plan it in great detail, indulge in their eventual  comeuppance. Not only is this practical, it will also make you look like you are smiling. 
Finally, remember it's only one month of your life every four years. You can survive it, your relationship can survive it. If at any moment you start to doubt this, watch back to back Oprah, and you will start to feel much better. Thank you Oprah. 
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